Today is the 15th day since my fiancee left me. The man who asked for my heart to give him my forever, for he will guard it till the very last day. I felt betrayed and and sad for sure and I’m on my path to recovery. I would like to pen down my journey towards my better self. I don’t know exactly how many days it takes for a person to completely forgot someone imprinted so deeply in their life. But I believe it will certainly come to a day; where his face, his voice and name become so vague, that I barely remember. For that day to come, I want to live my life to the full potential, different from who I am today. I hope, in the process, I hope my recovery journey could inspire people in similar situation whether is a breakup or divorce or any disappointment in life to get their shit togather,

At present I am 31. And since we began dating 3 years ago, I have gained weight, stopped putting on make-up, dressed like a hobo and rarely take effort to socialize around. Ever since he called off wedding, I realize makeup trend has changed, some of my pretty clothes no longer fit and I barely have anyone to talked about my feelings, except for my mom. Sure, I did call my friends from college, but we don’t live in the same town. Also, due to the lockdown, I could not meet them in person, to have more intimate girls talk. Even without covid, I think there’s only a fixed number of time, I could look out for them. Ultimately, I am responsible of my own healing.

For the past 11 days, what I have done?

1. Weed out any traces of him on social media
   • at this point of time, we’re no longer friends on Facebook. Although, he deleted me first, right after calling off our relationship (dick move). But the best part was deleting his friends, families from my social circle yesterday. I wanted a clean cut. With no traces of him or updates from his immediate friends which reminds me of him.
   • I’m a strong believer that we should no longer be friends with our ex. Even we were best friends before dating. There shouldn’t be any messy shit when I meet the next one.
   • As for our photos on facebook, I normally keep them on a album, so it was easy for me to delete them. But, currently I just change the settings to personal. Someday, I will be courageous enough, to delete them all.
2. Put away some immediate momento of him aside
   • his PJs
   • photos of us on my work desk
3. Impulsive buying
   • we broke up right before 12.12; I went out buying the things I want, from make up stash, workout gears, home improvements items, vacuums.
   • nothing could fill the void, but at least those browsing and momentarily happiness, kept me busy
4. Begin running
   • since we broke up, on days where I didn’t work out, I have trouble sleeping. I begin thinking about the reality that he has left me. Or what did I do wrong…
   • in order to tire the shit out of myself, I began running again just to be tired enough to just doze off
5. Tell my closest friends about my relationship status
   • I broke the news to some of them. Some were shocked, as I always brag about him. I realize I always said good things about him (because I genuinely think so). But yeah, I still have several others which I haven’t told them – especially those who I’ve told that I’m getting married next year. Yikes
   • I felt like it was slap on the face each time I share this news to a friend. Like a pants you loved so much, you wore to a party, not knowing it has a hole on your backside. GG.