Breakup Day 29: I fucking need to pee!

Mickey sleeps whenever I go

I remember when Mom first learnt about my break up with Ben, she starts to loosen abit about the rules to allow Mickey into my bedroom. I remember I felt less sad that night, when she was in the room. Looking at her sleeping soundly into abyss, was such a calming scene. 29 days down the road, now she’s almost a resident to my house.

Well, I guess it is true, when people say when you loose something, you gain another.

To encourage her good behavior, every morning, I will potty train her in the garden. We make sure she poo poo only in the sandy and not thr grassy or garage area. To our surprise, Ghalit, the other dog also followed Mickey good behavior. It is a good sign.

Besides, the fact that I sometimes have to wake up earlier to bring her to poo, I have to wake up extra earlier too. I start to understand her little behavior such ad when it is “I am bored, so I come to disturb you”, “I need to pee” and “I fucking need to pee!!”

Breakup Day 28: Brother had epilepsy

Today brother had an epilepsy attack. It has been more frequent of late. Im sad to see him suffer so incontrollaby. For a moment, I think breaking the wedding with Ben was the right decision. I need to be with oth my family, they need me and I cant just leave everything behind and run with him to Singapore just like that. Most of all, my family need a man not a child who is naive about business. He should at least understand about the real world. Not “oh, maybe I want to start my own cafe or my own business after I come Kuantan” without considering the risks.

It is always the best decision to make to put family first. Like how 九王爷 said, family are like roots, they will bloom after winter.

Breakup Day 25: It takes a man with bigger heart to love you

We are living in a age where women can self sustain, have a career instead of staying at home. At some point in life, she might or would’ve earn better than the man. How do we balance the power play here, where traditionally a man would be the breadwinner to the house.

I have been watching the drama series, The Crown. I can see how difficult was it for the Duke of Edinburough to kneel before the Queen. For love, she took his career, his name as well as his pride. It takes a confident man to carry all that. A man had to be self suffice and understand that the women may not depend on him for financial needs, decision making.

Suffice to think Ben did not has what it takes to be self suffice. He need to feel he’s the provider. BUT, i really do not depends on him that way. I only needed him emotionally to be present not giving me SOLUTIONS all the time, when I didnt need one.

Dear men, we women just need your listening ear, to let us fret it out. Simple as that. By doing so, it doesnt make you lesser.

Breakup Day 24: It’s been raining lately

I have a natural talent. That is to tell if its going to rain or if the air is too humid. Somewhere when I was still in highschool, YiWon’s mom once told me, if a drop of rain fall directly on your head, you’ll definitely get headache. I guess, that was when iI started to notice I DO GET HEADACHE whenever it was about to rain.

This situation reminds me a highschool movie I used to watch where there’s this girl could foretell the weather using her boobies, and well, in my case my head.

Since the weather is raining, Mickey has been spending waaay to much time indoor. Sleeping on the door mat with a curtain above her seems very much comfy. It is her favourite nook now. Taking the opportunity of her sleeping in my room, I could potty train her the next day. As she definitely bugs me to let her to take a pee outdoor.

Not entirely bad, and thats how I convinced dad to let her stay indoors. I hope the future person I meet would love dogs as much as I do and perhaps allow Mickey to sleep in the same room.

Breakup Day 23: What if

I’ve been wondering what if, I didnt give him an option to cancel our wedding? It was a promise give out, it wasnt supposed to be broken. Was it my fault to have given him that freedom to break his promise? What if I didnt confront him? Will our relationship be better now? What if, I hold on a little longer, fighting for us, without him knowing? Will I be happier, or perhaps somewhere along the way, because he sees my sincererity, he would have changed his mind?

But, what if things goes smoothly, aand we proceeded with wedding, and somewhere along the way, we meet another obstacle and hes in doubt, then he decided to give up, or feel ”tired” again?

Dear Ben, if you’re reading this, I want to tell you, you said, you didnt want to play mind games, but do you realize you havd been playing mind games with me? Four years, i put up with your MIND GAMES and belived what you said was true. You said you wanted out because i didnt trust you. So if i trust you, you will continue to go on? NO. You just wanted to find a good excuse to blame me for the failure of this relationship. Admit that, you are a childish and irresponsible man!

There’s no what ifs! The fact that you gave up too early on us, define what kind of a man, husband or father you are. Moms right, you are only good at 1 thing, but when you have other task at hand you wouldnt manage it well. Im glad you wanted out. Your decision showed your weak personality. I hope you never find someone to broke their heart, you weak soldier.

Breakup Day 22: Life is so fragile

Yesterday, I got news from my dad. One of his best friends, passed away due to leukemia. He discovered he had leukemia about months ago, after he got bitten by a dog and proceed to blood test. He’s one jolly uncle who drinks a lot. That uncle who always cracks a lot of “难GET”， passed away peacefully after battling with leukemia for a good 14 months. At some point dad said at least it wasn’t a long battle. A sudden death, that didn’t caused much torture and emotional stress to people around is the best. He managed to claim a good RM700k of insurance.

Like my relationship with Ben, was a happy one for a good 4 years. I did not struggle with doubting or emotional stress when I was with him. It was sudden, but yet not a arduous journey. I’m not sure if he felt the same, but I surely do. It wasn’t too bad actually. Do not be sad because it ended, but be happy because it happened.

Dear Dai So Uncle, glad you lived a jolly happy life. May you continue to bring smiles and laughter in heaven

Break-Up Day 18: Splurge Splurge Splurge!

Sephora Malaysia is on Black Friday Sale, that is open to all tiers of customer. Annnnnnd, the best part is most of the product that I wanted is AVAILABLE. Been eyeballing the products I wanted to try and HGs. I’m looking forward to receive and give my reviews on them.

Yes, they extended the sales with extra freebies, but the thought of my favourite items may go out of stock is at stake. So I’ve made my purchase way before the extra freebies.

Break-up Day 17: Do not depend your happiness on others

Photo credit: happinessdepends.com

I used to give myself conditions to happiness. So and so need to be with me or treat me in such a way only to be happy. I put expectations upon others on how they should react or behave. When they do not react in such a way i get disappointed and sad. For example, from my recent break up, i wished my friends took more initiative to comfort or at least check in with me. They didn’t. But, it wasn’t their fault, maybe they didn’t know how to react in such messy situation, or maybe they are busy with their lives, maybe they think is best to leave me alone; nevertheless, i felt disappointed and lonesome.

But then i realize i depend my happiness heavily on things i couldn’t control. I need to be responsible to how i feel and react. I can take charge on what I can do, what I can change, how I should behave and how I can react at this very moment. Perhaps when I’m happier again, things will go according to my way.

Break-Up Day 16: Start a fresh at gym

To measure my recovery process towards self betterment, I needed a baseline to measure my progress. So I went to gym and did an InBody assessment. After some discussions with my coach, I find out that I’m slightly overweight, have a body which resembles closely to a man, and have waay to many visceral fats to loose. Fuck 200% of fats is centered on my stomach. To measure my recovery process towards self betterment, I needed a baseline to measure my progress. So I went to gym and did an InBody assessment. After some discussions with my coach, I find out that I’m slightly overweight, have a body which resembles closely to a man, and have waay to many visceral fats to loose. Fuck 200% of fats is centered on my stomach.

My next weigh in should be right before Christmas.

23rd Nov InBody Assesmment

Also, here’s also my baseline from Strava from my recent runs. After 1 week of running, I’m starting to feel lesser huff and puff after 10mins of running. But I’m still very far from my past performance. #havefaith

Strava Run

My goal is to be in my best shape before Chinese New Year 12th Feb 2021

Plans for the following weeks:-

  • Reduce carbs intake
  • Reduce sugar
  • Reduce snacking
    • I realized that I only snack when I watch TV
    • it’s like eating popcorn while we go to cinemas
    • I need to cultivate new hobbies to replace watching movies or replace snacking