Maybe it has been long distance relationship all along. I dont much see the difference after we’d broke up.
Maybe I did not depended on him as much as I thought.
Category: Blog
Breakup Day 25: It takes a man with bigger heart to love you
We are living in a age where women can self sustain, have a career instead of staying at home. At some point in life, she might or would’ve earn better than the man. How do we balance the power play here, where traditionally a man would be the breadwinner to the house.
I have been watching the drama series, The Crown. I can see how difficult was it for the Duke of Edinburough to kneel before the Queen. For love, she took his career, his name as well as his pride. It takes a confident man to carry all that. A man had to be self suffice and understand that the women may not depend on him for financial needs, decision making.
Suffice to think Ben did not has what it takes to be self suffice. He need to feel he’s the provider. BUT, i really do not depends on him that way. I only needed him emotionally to be present not giving me SOLUTIONS all the time, when I didnt need one.
Dear men, we women just need your listening ear, to let us fret it out. Simple as that. By doing so, it doesnt make you lesser.
Breakup Day 24: It’s been raining lately
I have a natural talent. That is to tell if its going to rain or if the air is too humid. Somewhere when I was still in highschool, YiWon’s mom once told me, if a drop of rain fall directly on your head, you’ll definitely get headache. I guess, that was when iI started to notice I DO GET HEADACHE whenever it was about to rain.
This situation reminds me a highschool movie I used to watch where there’s this girl could foretell the weather using her boobies, and well, in my case my head.
Since the weather is raining, Mickey has been spending waaay to much time indoor. Sleeping on the door mat with a curtain above her seems very much comfy. It is her favourite nook now. Taking the opportunity of her sleeping in my room, I could potty train her the next day. As she definitely bugs me to let her to take a pee outdoor.
Not entirely bad, and thats how I convinced dad to let her stay indoors. I hope the future person I meet would love dogs as much as I do and perhaps allow Mickey to sleep in the same room.
Breakup Day 23: What if
I’ve been wondering what if, I didnt give him an option to cancel our wedding? It was a promise give out, it wasnt supposed to be broken. Was it my fault to have given him that freedom to break his promise? What if I didnt confront him? Will our relationship be better now? What if, I hold on a little longer, fighting for us, without him knowing? Will I be happier, or perhaps somewhere along the way, because he sees my sincererity, he would have changed his mind?
But, what if things goes smoothly, aand we proceeded with wedding, and somewhere along the way, we meet another obstacle and hes in doubt, then he decided to give up, or feel ”tired” again?
Dear Ben, if you’re reading this, I want to tell you, you said, you didnt want to play mind games, but do you realize you havd been playing mind games with me? Four years, i put up with your MIND GAMES and belived what you said was true. You said you wanted out because i didnt trust you. So if i trust you, you will continue to go on? NO. You just wanted to find a good excuse to blame me for the failure of this relationship. Admit that, you are a childish and irresponsible man!
There’s no what ifs! The fact that you gave up too early on us, define what kind of a man, husband or father you are. Moms right, you are only good at 1 thing, but when you have other task at hand you wouldnt manage it well. Im glad you wanted out. Your decision showed your weak personality. I hope you never find someone to broke their heart, you weak soldier.
Breakup Day 22: Life is so fragile
Yesterday, I got news from my dad. One of his best friends, passed away due to leukemia. He discovered he had leukemia about months ago, after he got bitten by a dog and proceed to blood test. He’s one jolly uncle who drinks a lot. That uncle who always cracks a lot of “难GET”， passed away peacefully after battling with leukemia for a good 14 months. At some point dad said at least it wasn’t a long battle. A sudden death, that didn’t caused much torture and emotional stress to people around is the best. He managed to claim a good RM700k of insurance.
Like my relationship with Ben, was a happy one for a good 4 years. I did not struggle with doubting or emotional stress when I was with him. It was sudden, but yet not a arduous journey. I’m not sure if he felt the same, but I surely do. It wasn’t too bad actually. Do not be sad because it ended, but be happy because it happened.
Break-Up Day 18: Splurge Splurge Splurge!
Sephora Malaysia is on Black Friday Sale, that is open to all tiers of customer. Annnnnnd, the best part is most of the product that I wanted is AVAILABLE. Been eyeballing the products I wanted to try and HGs. I’m looking forward to receive and give my reviews on them.
Break-up Day 17: Do not depend your happiness on others
I used to give myself conditions to happiness. So and so need to be with me or treat me in such a way only to be happy. I put expectations upon others on how they should react or behave. When they do not react in such a way i get disappointed and sad. For example, from my recent break up, i wished my friends took more initiative to comfort or at least check in with me. They didn’t. But, it wasn’t their fault, maybe they didn’t know how to react in such messy situation, or maybe they are busy with their lives, maybe they think is best to leave me alone; nevertheless, i felt disappointed and lonesome.
But then i realize i depend my happiness heavily on things i couldn’t control. I need to be responsible to how i feel and react. I can take charge on what I can do, what I can change, how I should behave and how I can react at this very moment. Perhaps when I’m happier again, things will go according to my way.
Break-Up Day 16: Start a fresh at gym
To measure my recovery process towards self betterment, I needed a baseline to measure my progress. So I went to gym and did an InBody assessment. After some discussions with my coach, I find out that I’m slightly overweight, have a body which resembles closely to a man, and have waay to many visceral fats to loose. Fuck 200% of fats is centered on my stomach. To measure my recovery process towards self betterment, I needed a baseline to measure my progress. So I went to gym and did an InBody assessment. After some discussions with my coach, I find out that I’m slightly overweight, have a body which resembles closely to a man, and have waay to many visceral fats to loose. Fuck 200% of fats is centered on my stomach.
My next weigh in should be right before Christmas.
Also, here’s also my baseline from Strava from my recent runs. After 1 week of running, I’m starting to feel lesser huff and puff after 10mins of running. But I’m still very far from my past performance. #havefaith
My goal is to be in my best shape before Chinese New Year 12th Feb 2021
Plans for the following weeks:-
- Reduce carbs intake
- Reduce sugar
- Reduce snacking
- I realized that I only snack when I watch TV
- it’s like eating popcorn while we go to cinemas
- I need to cultivate new hobbies to replace watching movies or replace snacking
Break-Up Day 15: A journey towards recovery
Today is the 15th day since my fiancee left me. The man who asked for my heart to give him my forever, for he will guard it till the very last day. I felt betrayed and and sad for sure and I’m on my path to recovery. I would like to pen down my journey towards my better self. I don’t know exactly how many days it takes for a person to completely forgot someone imprinted so deeply in their life. But I believe it will certainly come to a day; where his face, his voice and name become so vague, that I barely remember. For that day to come, I want to live my life to the full potential, different from who I am today. I hope, in the process, I hope my recovery journey could inspire people in similar situation whether is a breakup or divorce or any disappointment in life to get their shit togather,
At present I am 31. And since we began dating 3 years ago, I have gained weight, stopped putting on make-up, dressed like a hobo and rarely take effort to socialize around. Ever since he called off wedding, I realize makeup trend has changed, some of my pretty clothes no longer fit and I barely have anyone to talked about my feelings, except for my mom. Sure, I did call my friends from college, but we don’t live in the same town. Also, due to the lockdown, I could not meet them in person, to have more intimate girls talk. Even without covid, I think there’s only a fixed number of time, I could look out for them. Ultimately, I am responsible of my own healing.
For the past 11 days, what I have done?
- Weed out any traces of him on social media
- at this point of time, we’re no longer friends on Facebook. Although, he deleted me first, right after calling off our relationship (dick move). But the best part was deleting his friends, families from my social circle yesterday. I wanted a clean cut. With no traces of him or updates from his immediate friends which reminds me of him.
- I’m a strong believer that we should no longer be friends with our ex. Even we were best friends before dating. There shouldn’t be any messy shit when I meet the next one.
- As for our photos on facebook, I normally keep them on a album, so it was easy for me to delete them. But, currently I just change the settings to personal. Someday, I will be courageous enough, to delete them all.
- Put away some immediate momento of him aside
- his PJs
- photos of us on my work desk
- Impulsive buying
- we broke up right before 12.12; I went out buying the things I want, from make up stash, workout gears, home improvements items, vacuums.
- nothing could fill the void, but at least those browsing and momentarily happiness, kept me busy
- Begin running
- since we broke up, on days where I didn’t work out, I have trouble sleeping. I begin thinking about the reality that he has left me. Or what did I do wrong…
- in order to tire the shit out of myself, I began running again just to be tired enough to just doze off
- Tell my closest friends about my relationship status
- I broke the news to some of them. Some were shocked, as I always brag about him. I realize I always said good things about him (because I genuinely think so). But yeah, I still have several others which I haven’t told them – especially those who I’ve told that I’m getting married next year. Yikes
- I felt like it was slap on the face each time I share this news to a friend. Like a pants you loved so much, you wore to a party, not knowing it has a hole on your backside. GG.
Melissa's Muse 