Category: Dating

When to pull handbrake

To me, relationship can go both ways, forward or backwards. And in any romantic relationship I invest in, I know when it is time to pull handbrake and say good bye. I think we need to get this sorted out before we enter into relationship, when we are clear headed and have no excuses. This is especially, we’re are clouded with rosy memories, things he said or promised in the past, little “rights” he do, we immediately forgotten about their wrong.

By no means, being together is also about adjusting little changes and accepting some flaws here and there. BUT we need to know, when to draw the line. The following, are just a guideline which work for me. Everyone has their own measuring stick. It is best to sit down and think it through your lists of NO-NOs.

  1. You feel insecure and low self esteem
    • He’s judgmental to your actions and make you doubt yourself. Or are you trying very hard to please him that you begin to doubt your decisions. I have been in this type of relationship. He’s someone I look up upon, but he explicitly tell me his expectations on me, it made me doubt myself. It was only the day, I decided to leave him, only I begin to realize I wasn’t that horrible. Infact, people around me think I’m awesome and fabulous. From there, I deduced that, it was because he has been projecting his own insecurity upon me all along.
  2. You feel like chasing him all the time
    • I think relationship should be mutual. If you’re the only person doing all the work. Are you the one initiating all the conversation topics? Are you the one who always on the look out for him? Are you the one who always make the first move after every fights? If he is not trying or investing enough heart into it, then it doesn’t worth your time and effort. It will likely be the same moving forward. Do you want to spend the rest of your life – chasing? You’re not police and he’s not a thief. It should be mutual
  3. You think you can change him
    • I feel people are not changeable. Why date someone and change him into your mould. I guess, people wouldn’t do things the way they think is wrong. They have their own logic on the way of getting things done. If you think you can change him, think again. Rather, be with someone more similar to your mould, that way, you CAN CHANGE YOURSELF to accept those little flaws
  4. He doesn’t care about his family
    • To me, the way he treats his family, is the biggest indicator how he would treat you 20years down the road, when you too, become his family.
  5. He cheated
    • Does this even deserve explanation? Stop making excuse for him, and run

So here’s my list of red flags, if any of these appear, that’ll be my deal breaker. If it’s someone not suitable, why compromise and be unhappy for the next 40-50 years? We shouldn’t do that when we have a choice and the bargaining chips at hand. I’m very sure of what I want. What about you?

You complete or complement me?

I will always remember Dr. Goh Chee Leong’s class on his advice about relationship. “You are only ready for a relationship when you are a fully developed person. Only when you are a complete as a person, you will flourish in a relationship.” That piece of advice influenced me till this very day. As opposed to many popular belief, people find a partner to complete them. To fill in the void where their weakness are. But this not true. YOU are responsible to making yourself complete and be better. If you depend on your other half to fill in your void, when will you grow? What happens when he/she leaves you? This is where some people end up 要生要死 because their other half left. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean you shouldn’t have feelings when your other half left, but you should not think it is the end of the world without your other half. Now the logic becomes easier if you are a fully functioning and complete person when you meet your other half. So it doesn’t matter with or without the other, you are still a capable person – able to live life to your fullest potential.

So ask yourself, are you complete as a person? What are your weakness? Do you constantly need someone to validate you, to brush your insecure self-esteem. Is there a part of you that you think you need to improve? Maybe you want to be a better leader, maybe you want to be more happy, maybe you want to be more confident. I can tell you this, nobody can do it for you – except yourself. Some roads are meant to be walked on your own feet. If you expect someone else to do it for you, you will forever be dependent on the other. Then, when will you grow? Even if the other half don’t mind doing all these for you – what if, along the way some tragedy brings him away from you, will you be able to survive? Never depend your happiness upon others. Your happiness should not be completed by others.

Now the question comes, “Then why do you need a relationship when you are a fully functioning person?” This is the part where I mean finding someone who complement you. Recently I came across an article. It says when you are a complete person, you are like a person who walks on a street. You could walk without a walking stick, you are capable too if you want to run, and you are comfortable walking alone. Yet, if you have a partner, you could do more. Perhaps you dare to run faster, and take chances. Because if anything fails, you know someone will be there for you. Perhaps he is your cheerleader when you in doubt, he is your caretaker when you fall sick and perhaps a confidant to listen to you as you walk on the lonely nights. Therefore, your other half, is that icing on the cupcake, sauce for your sushi, which complement you. With or without, you are a completed piece of meal. If this person never appear or left, you still able to live to your fullest like everyone else.

Take charge of your life, live to your fullest potential and most importantly – be happy.

My Thoughts about Long Distance Relationship (LDR)

Do you believe if long distance relationship (LDR) will work? Like it or not, I have been on LDR 100% of my date life. FML. So, being a pretty pro-LDR girl, here are some of my thoughts about it:-

Mentally and Physically Independent

I remember when Shian was dating his university sweetheart from Sabah, he told me how his girl complained about him not present when she needed to move to a different house, while he was busy working in KL. Pretty much, if you're expecting your other half to be like the scene Song Joong Ki kneel down tied Song Hae Kyo's shoelace type, being the hero whenever you in trouble then LDR is not for you. Pretty much 70% of the time, you expect to do many things on your own even you have a boyfie. Simple activity like shopping, lunch, driving - you have to do it yourself. Are you able to date yourself and the other virtual half most of the time? He could only be there for you - mentally. And I guess it perhaps frustrates the guy too, when he could not do much to save his damsel in distress, just about any simple thing, like driving her our for supper. Ask yourself, could you live with this? Pretty much, you both emotionally depended on each other, but physically independent.

Trust

Due to the distance, trust play a very important role in the relationship. To leave no space for imagination and also build confidence in each other, both party have to make conscious effort to keep the other updated about  their whereabouts and who they hanging out with. For me, I mostly lean towards guys who are responsible and sensitive. Mostly, they would take initiative to tell me first what they're doing or their plans for the day, then I would in return would also do the same to them. To me, that is important. It gives me a piece of mind and be confident with whatever task at hand. How often you need to do that depends entirely on the need of your partner. Perhaps more needy and early part of relationship will need more, and could substantially reduce to a frequency that both are comfortable.Well, if you want to jump into a LDR make sure you are able to commit to such "reporting" and do not feel burdened by it. As for the rest of the cheating part, I guess there are many ways to go about checking the other, but for me there's no meaning in the relationship if you have to constantly spy, check on the other. We are not cop and thief to begin with.

Creative

Now with the constant reporting and no mutual activity nor mutual friends to talk about, slowly, conversations will dry up. Soon, will be the same old same old reporting, "Gah I'm so tired telling you about my friend who you know nothing about!" or "Zzzz why tell you when you couldn't do anything about it!" -mentality start mushrooming here and there. Slowly, you find your LDR text no longer give you that butterflies you always craved, your shiny virtual boyfriend becomes that old dusty radio that you wish there's a shut up button. Therefore here's when creativity comes in. In order you LDR couples to thrive in this trying times, both should learn ways to create some mutual activities, interest and likes togather. For example, watching a movie togather, going for some activitiy at the same time - different location, or planning the next get togather. In that way, dating LDR could be even more exciting than having someone physically closed to you.

Indeed, being in LDR for the longest time in my dating life, there are certain perks such as freedom. Basically because you spend lesser time being togather, you spend more time for youself. Doing things you like, growing yourself futher, etc. Think, living a life like a single, but actually you have a boyfie.

Regardless, I think LDR could not be sustained for a long long period of time. Yeah, they’re fun and all, but not practical. Especially for those who want to settle down eventually. And most of the time, you lost chance of trying to live together, observing the person more (how they interact with other, how they handle troubles, etc).

The other day when Mr. Y asked me the question weather I’m comfortable with the idea living apart after marriage. I wanted to tell him I’m not OK with the idea. Since I do intend to have children in the future, I could only imagine how hard it will be for a pregnant woman to live without her husband by her side. Yeah, dating time, I could be as independent I want to be, but when I’m pregnant and vulnerable, I want to have my man by my side taking care of me and going through this process togather, physically. I want the someone to carry by bag, drive me around, pat my back when I could not sleep etc. Is this request too much? How come it felt to hard to have what I want?

Even for the dating part, I’m now not sure if I want to spend another long long time with my other half being apart. I want physical closeness. I want to be the girl who got to be driven around town, that girl who eats sushi with her boyfriend after work, or this couple who play badminton togather. Even walking my dog togather puts a smile on my face. If I could and I hope my next relationship would not be in another long distance relationship. In that case, should I stop being in contact with Mr. Y? Where am I heading in this relationship? Am I playing with fire? In the end, I did not answer him the question.

Lessons about Money & Relationship

Cantonese people have a saying, money hurts relationship. This can be never more true. You can be the best power couple, but when we disagreement about money matters arise, it could turn pretty ugly. Either in separation or worst still divorced. Some couples fight over ways of spending (some feel that they should save more in future, some think they should spend it more, while some can give all hard earn money to family member when in trouble), some couple fight over who contributed more in the relationship (ex wife have bigger salary, so should contribute more in the household or have bigger say about ways of spending) and etc.

I remember when I was with my ex, there’s few things I did and did not address it over when it comes to money. Here’s my thoughts:-

  • Who should pay for the meal

I’m a strong believer the guy should pay for the meal, unless we were only normal friends, then I don’t even mind treating you. In my opinion, if you can’t even buy me a basic meal, then how do I expect you to take care of me in future? I remember telling him that dating shouldn’t be expensive, and we could date frugally and yet, be happy. Therefore, whenever he asks me where to eat, I say the kopitiam near his house also can. BUT, he on the other hand, once a while when I told him I will treat him out of my good will, devil horns will grow out and only eat best of the best. My mom say this type of people, 自己出钱就吃出眼泪，被人出钱就吃出大汗。I felt this is bad etiquette and even ungentlemanly for a guy. But before I could tell to him, he already left. I hope he don’t do that in future. So in my next relationship, I will still tell my partner the same thing, you are definitely going to pay for our dates, but let’s spend within our means and yet, be happy

  • Should he pay for your lifestyle too?

As for other expenditures which doesn’t overlap each other doing together such as your clothes, makeup items, toiletries, your gadgets, sneakers, then I think it is optional for him to pay for it but not a MUST. I mean, the girl should also be financially independent to be able pay off some some of her lifestyle expenditure. You can’t expect the man to pay off your debts and lifestyle. Like, spend how you would spend before you meet him. Again, girl should also live within her means and not be a parasite for the guy to pay for JUST EVERYTHING. Then, it is easy, people to see you as gold digger. If you expect your date to pay for your lifestyle also, then you should look for a sugar daddy, not a life partner.

  • Should we interfere in how we spend our money?

This question depends at what stage you both are in the relationship. If you are in a dating stage, where you both are not togather paying some loans, investment togather (even so, if your partner have been religiously paying his share of the loan), I think neither should interfere on how they spend their hard earn money. But if you both are married, and spending life togather under a shared income for the sake of your children, then I feel both need to sit down and discuss how they would contribute to the marriage. Ideally, I do not want a partner to be so petty with me where he should trust how I manage both our money together. But this level of trust comes from how you perform when you were togather. Are you a impulsive buyer, do you spend your money carelessly, etc. And, I feel both should never justify their power in the relationship based on their earning power. I believe both have equal say in how they spend despite the difference. That is because rationality is independent of earning status. When you earn more, doesn’t mean you make better decisions. Trump make stupid decisions too.